he excerpts below, enjoy the moment.
By: Hosai Mojaddidi & Dr. Nafisa Sekandari
Written: for Nikah.ca
From: Mentalhealth4Muslims
There are a lot of single Muslims
trying to navigate their way through the marriage process. It's not always easy
to know what's permissible, what isn't, what works and what doesn't. The list
below is a great guide for anyone who is thinking about marriage and wants to
prepare in advance. It'll help prepare
you for what to expect, what to do and what not do to before you begin your
quest for "Mr or Ms. Right" and once you start meeting potential prospects,
inshAllah!
1) DO make Istikhara.
There's an old Arab proverb that says,
Man proposes, God disposes." Before actively working on oneself and
pursuing marriage through worldly means, one has to turn to Allah (swt) and
make the intention for marriage. Next, one should make the Duah of Istikhara
and put their trust in Allah's divine decree, especially when considering a
particular candidate. Istikhara is a prescribed prayer with specific guidelines
that should be properly understood. There is also a lot of confusion about how
one "interprets" their Istikhara. Here is a good article from SeekersGuidance that helps
clarify everything one needs to know about it:
The reality of Istikhara
2) DO have a "checklist."
It's important to know what you're
looking for in a partner and to take the extra time to put your thoughts down.
Not only does the list give you tangible things to focus on, but it can also
reveal whether or not you have your priorities down. If you notice, for
example, that most of your "requirements" are superficial in nature
then you may scale back some things and put focus on more important matters
like character, family values, and future goals. Additionally, a written
checklist can also help your friends and family who are actively on the
look-out for you to better screen potential candidates.
3) DON'T dismiss someone if they don't meet all of your requirements.
Sometimes we think we know what we want
but it may take meeting someone we wouldn't normally consider to open our
eyes to other possibilities. When thinking of marriage, you should really give
each and every potential candidate a chance to make an impression on you and
whatever the outcome make it a learning experience instead of a wasted one.
4) DO consider "halal-dating."
Social media, technology, and living
in pluralistic as well as gender-integrated societies have completely changed
the way modern Muslims are marrying. It's also impacted the Muslim divorce
rate, which has consistently been on the rise for the past 20 years. These
realities are undeniable and in order to prevent further problems, as a
community we need to redefine the courtship process without compromising the
guidelines of our faith. A great article that helps explain the parameters for
"halal-dating" can be found here:
Lets talk about dating
5) DON'T rush into marriage.
Contrary to popular belief, there is
nothing wrong with having an engagement period in Islam. The length of time it
takes to get from the initial meeting to the nikah process is entirely up to
the couple and their families. Sometimes, however, because of cultural
misinterpretations or misunderstandings people are made to feel guilty for not
marrying "quickly" and they end up foregoing the very important
process of truly getting to know someone. Marriage is supposed to be a life-long
union, so make sure you have enough time to thoroughly investigate or learn
about your potential partner. Make the time to talk to each other, observe each
other in different groups, and allow people closest to you to spend time with
you as well. And remember, "quickie marriages" more often than not
lead to not-so-quick and messy divorces!
6) DO request "references."
Part of the screening process should
include meeting / speaking with other people they know (references). This is
especially the case for matches found online, through matrimonial events or who
live in different communities, provinces or geographical locations than you do.
If you are introduced to someone who you know nothing about make sure to
thoroughly investigate who he/she is. If they have nothing to hide then they
should have no problem giving you an opportunity to meet or speak with others
close to him/her. If they make excuses, make you feel bad for not
"trusting" them, or make any other attempt to evade a reference list
then take it as a major red flag. In this day and age the last thing you should
do is let your emotions and the excitement of a budding romance cloud your judgment.
7) DON'T spill the beans too early.
It's a natural inclination to want to
confide in your friend(s) and family at the onset of any exciting situation.
However, when a relationship is just developing it's too early to get others
involved and can backfire against you. You may find yourself prematurely
soliciting advice or building up something that doesn't have much potential. A
rule of thumb should be to wait until you've had at least 3 substantial
conversations/email exchanges, and/or meetings before telling someone else. And
make sure the person you decide to confide in is qualified to give you advice.
It should be less about the role they have in your life than it is their
ability to give sound, practical, and balanced advice.
8) DO have the confidence to make the
first move.
If someone piques your interest then
don't wait around for something to happen but rather make it happen! Both men
and women are susceptible to putting too much of the focus on the wrong place.
If you're consumed with a fear of rejection or worry too much about some other
negative consequence then you are letting life's opportunities pass you by. On
the contrary, by reaching out to someone or finding a third person to get
involved you are writing the narrative and thus becoming an active participant
in your own life.
9) DON'T rely too much on your
"friends."
Inviting a family member or your best
buddy/girlfriend to tag along with you on your first "date" is understandable
but after that you really need to think about cutting them loose (keeping in
mind the 'halal-dating'
rules we mentioned earlier of course). While it may be great for you to have
the support and presence of a familiar face around you, imagine how your date
feels. It's awkward to have strangers around when the focus should be on you
and this new person you've just met. Additionally, learning how to have focused
one-on-one communication is among the most important factors to a healthy and
happy relationship.
10)DO be nice to everyone.
It's a fact that we are generally
drawn to happy and positive people. You never know what a chance encounter with
a stranger can lead to. Perhaps you're at a wedding and you graciously offered
your seat to a stranger. That kind and generous act may make an impression on
someone who is also looking for a suitable match for her son/daughter. Love
could literally be right around the corner, stay happy so that you can welcome
it with a smile on your face!
I believe you have been enjoying the moment while reading through the write up. But this just few out of many DO's & DON'Ts of courtship in islam and I promise to bring you many more in no time. Thanks for reading b through. Salam alykum! !
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